Picking at scabs...

More and more recently i'm finding old memories stirred up.  Ones i thought were long forgotten or dealt with.  Yet looking back at them properly, the influence they've had... still have... makes you wonder.

Something is telling me to stop picking apart the threads of my life, stop looking for something, stop picking the scabs from the wounds... but there's a freedom in it.

I'm remembering times were i acted in a way i wish i could now.  I used to say things i'd never have the balls to say these days.  Wonder what changed?

Do this one more time and i'll bite your fucking fingers off!

This ain't hollywood, this is a small town...

'and baby i was naive, got lost in your eyes, i never really had a chance...'

So Hollywood Endings.  Things end everyday; only today i (fingers crossed) finished the practical section of my A level drama.  An ending.  I see them all around; friendships, relationships, days... even lives.  Nothing ever ends like it does in Hollywood films though... you can't skip off into the sunset and everything will be perfect, there's no prince charming coming to carry you away, there aren't any dragons you can simply slay and there's no magic... Or is there.

So you can't have a hollywood ending, cause too many things end in a way far from perfect.  Its human life.  Yet through it all, i still believe in magic.  It's in the air, it's almost tangible... if you look and feel deeply enough.  I'll go to my local park, just around sunset, and climb my favourite tree, to my favorite spot, and when i look up, through a hole in the leaves, i can see the fading of the colours from the sky.  I'll listen to song, and i suddenly understand the lyrics and the hairs on my arms will stand on end.  I'll be on the beach, the stars are out and there's a moment of unorganised silence around the fire.  I'll go for a high five at work and it'll make that awesome noise!

What am i getting at?  Things go wrong; people come in and out of your life, you make mistakes.  Things END.  But look a little deeper, and maybe you can see the magic.  Try it sometime; take a walk with your music on shuffle, along somewhere quiet, either early morning or early evening.  See where you end up, what you see, what connection you find with your music, the surroundings, yourself.

I do believe in fairies, i do, i do...

Wish You Were Here...

A rather strange phrase, especially as it is the title of TWO of my favourite songs at the moment.

But who am i wishing for?

Seems to be clear i am.




But the two songs are rather contrasting;




Hey Monday's seems to be more about missing someone who isn't coming back, about the things you lose along the way - 'My heart in a postcard darling'

Seems to be accusing someone of leaving them to face the hell of being 'alone'.

About the shit that comes with relationships.I think i like it cause it fits with some of my feelings atm.

I'm angry at someone.




Yet Avril Lavigne's is on a different level...

For me it isn't about a relationship... well it is, of sorts.

But for me it's old friendships; the people i've drifted from.

The memories 'of all the crazy things we did'.

There's someone i've been missing a lot recently, people say things change but still...

There's someone else i used to rely on, they've changed, but i wish they were here, the them i knew, once...

And another that's coming back. All from the same time in my life.




Beggars can't be chosers and i'm so happy to have one of my oldest friends back in my life...

But though some holes have been filled by my new, and actually better friends, there's one hole left.

I've never had a best friend like you since. You haven't changed beyond recognition but it's been a long time since we finished every text with 'love you'.




I'll leave you with this; make your own conclusions.

Much love for Tai for giving me the album ^^,

And time, catches everyone, and the world goes round the sun...

There's this undercurrent of excitement and tension around these parts.  It's production week of the big show, A level drama exams are in two weeks, all other exams are not far off and then... summer.  True escape.  Though it doesn't account for all this... tingle in the air.  I've only felt it once before, in the air of what was the greatest summer of my life.  Summer '07.  I was 14 years old, about to start my GCSE year... and i started to not give a flying fuck! I spent every day bar one on Ramsgate beach (the other was in a hot tub in my friends garden O.o) with bright red streaks in my hair, some of the greatest people with me and a fairground just on the sea front.  I have no idea how much money i spent on food, drinks and rides but it was so worth it.  If a summer could be perfect... that one was.

Yet times has passed.  And some of those people are still some of my bestest friends.  Yet others i barely know, talk to, or even get along with these days.  I have new friends.  A new life.  But something about that summer will remain with me always, burnt in my memory as 'So Wrong, It's Right'.  Cause that summer had a soundtrack, by a certain band called All Time Low.

Now Summer '11 is approaching and it's got me thinking.  I'm older now, so i'm sure i won't remember some of it.  But it's also my last sumer here, in this dead-end town.  I wonder if we could recreate, just for a day, the innocence of that summer.  Cause that's what Summer '07 means to me; the last summer before i got hurt, the last summer before i learnt the hard truth about things.  The last summer i truly, felt alive.

It's not enough, it's not enough...

Silence is sometimes my best friend; for someone whose world is words, the absence of them is often my favourite time of day.  I like to sit in the dark doing nothing, or even just sit on my laptop checking out what's happening with no music or anything.  Am i strange?

New favourite song below :)

Take a look at me so you can see how beautiful you are...

Though i would never go back to those two years of hell, the creativity it inspired in me can never be replicated.

That Day…
You caught me at a bad time,
You took me by surprise,
A stolen kiss from forbidden lips,
Did you feel my butterflies?
You took my idle dreaming,
You made it all come true,
A special night beneath the stars,
Did you see it too?
You left me a memory,
You took my hand in yours,
A future promise, a chance maybe,
Can we work through the flaws?

Three Cheers For Five Years

I get obsessions with the strangest of things.
I have a deep love of fireworks, snow, sun, stars, fairies, dragons, lyrics, darkness, neon colours, mosh pits, work, Ramsgate beach, King George park, bracelets, fantasy books.
I hoard most pieces of paper, from receipts to clothing labels.  Most of them go on my bedroom walls, alongside posters of my favourite bands and pictures that document my changing hair colours.
Most often described as 'scene' i prefer to wear black jeans, neon blue Doc Marten's and a variety of bright t-shirts.
I tan very easily, often leading to a very surfer-y look in the summer months.
I prefer to go barefoot when possible, but despise flip flops with a passion.
I love fancy dress - i will use any excuse to create a new outfit.
I go through phases with songs and bands.
My favourite website is Journal of Secrets - yes i do have a secret posted.
I have kept numerous diaries, each documenting a different phase of my life.
I have two memory boxes; one an eclectic mix of very old memories, one a more modern ordered collection.
I dislike silence not of my own making, and prefer clutter to tidiness.
People think i'm weird until they get to know me... then the consensus is i'm just mentally unstable :)
One of my prized possessions is a build-a-bear from Canterbury.

Take these things into account when you read my rambles.
Oh and the fact i'm a Drama and English Literature student who reads way too much ><"

Enjoy.Ox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiSfTyrvJlg