World War III

Madina Lake's new album = ♥
Just what i needed atm...

As World War III could be 3 days away... Second anniversary. Weren't talking last year, not talking this year.

I meant fuck all didn't i?

There are so many things i want to say to you...

I can't stop thinking of your bright blue eyes - the amount of times i lost myself in them only to realise you were staring at me - felt so embarrassed... But you were looking back and that's all that mattered to me.

The fact i cannot get you off my mind - contantly checking my phone for texts, thinking of an excuse to text you, searching for your name on facebook chat, looking for a status you post, listening to every song that reminds me of you, it's like you're inside my mind, in my dreams all i hear is your heartbeat next to mine, the touch of your hand is what i reach for every time i wake up.  First thing i think of in the morning, last thing at night, and every moment in between.

Re-reading old conversations - the heartbreaking arguments and the smile inducing sweet as honey moments.  The fact i feel sick about someone else being inside your arms; the last place i felt safe.

I've done many things that i'm not proud of - hurt you, i think, in some small way but then, i don't think i mean anything like as much to you as you do to me.

I get paranoid, i get jealous - emotions i've always ignored or never really had since the first time i fell in love - emotionally reticent as always, but you dragged them too the surface, demanding i open up to you, to someone, ANYONE.  I wish i had, but all that came out was pain and anger as well as badly explained reactions to tiny things.

Now i'm so far away and i can't bare the idea that you might forget me, forget what we had... Though what we had never really got going.

I just need to get this out, all these things i'll never be able to say to you - if i try to get it out i just seem to, i don't know, annoy you somehow...

I don't want to give up, but it feels so one-sided...

(8) But always know that you shine brighter, than anyone does...

This anniversary will never be the same...

'I promised myself i wouldn't do it, yet here i find myself, hair scraped back about to get ready for a night out, writing my thoughts down for the lonely internet to read.
You don't even check this i bet, so i'm prettty safe.

1 whole year. Time has gone so fast!
A whole year in the blink of an eye, changes of head, heart, subconcious...
Because things i have changed in me. All because of you :)
I don't know what i was expecting! A heartfelt phonecall, or 10 page text, or fb mail?
Why did i even think... keep myself awake last night, with this hope.
It's safe to say we've both moved on, in that we've had other relationships, felt the emotions again...
Well you maybe. I haven't.
I've been missing you more than ever, dreaming about you every night.
We met at the bottom of a mosh pit. A collision course.
Or a stroke of luck.
And now you hate me. Fair play to you on that.

In essence; i remembered.
I was always going to remember. This night changed my life.
So thank you. Truly, madly, deeply, thank you.
I love you.

And i'll see myself sitting up till half 12 tonight waiting. Just in case.'

Last year I wrote that on a blog so full of painful memories I can barely stand to read it.
Yet here we are, back at the same time of year.
11 days time.
Again, i'm unsure of what to do, to say, to think...

I can't believe the thing that caused us to fall apart, is the same thing that has me sitting in this room right now, so far away from you i'd have to be on the moon to get any further away. We fell apart because I was never fully there. I understand now.

I don't think you ever loved me as much as I loved you. I prefer it that way, if i'm honest.

I wonder if anniveraries like this actually mean the same thing to boys, or whether it's different.