The Days of Old...

I hate looking at tumblr and facebook, seeing people that barely acknowledge my existance doing exactly what I want to do.  I want to get more tattoos, more piercings, to look interesting, to look... attractive.  I know I'm being sensible, and logical, I mean, no one will hire an actress covered in tattoos, at least not until you get reasonably well know, because retouching is expensive, and there are hundreds of people auditioning for the same roles.

But I want to be slender, have people call me skinny or beautiful.  I miss being involved in my kind of music, not being forced to listen to anything else because that's what 'everyone' agrees on.  While everyone else is just sitting there, I'm at uni working my butt off for grades, trying to maintain a social life on no money as well as trying to lose weight and tone up.  I don't feel like Anna anymore, I feel like some crazy charicature of myself.  I don't want to get home to find that everyone's forgotten about me. I hate being forgotten about, and it's not for a lack of trying on my part, it's really not...

Search and destroy...

I'm so ugly with my glasses on.
Not much better without.
My smile's out of wack.
My hair never goes right.
I'm fat. Overweight that is.
Not enough exercise to burn off the shit i put my body through.
And i wonder why people leave?
I just want to retreat inside my world, where i make my own rules and what you look like doesn't matter. I've got a soul of transparency; i'm not malicious or evil or wrong. Misunderstood maybe.
I just want people to see me as i do?
I want to sing my heart out and no one will listen.
I want to scream every last word of every last song i love.
I want to take a lead in a show, i want to write one, i want to create something.
Instead of being stuck with an overactive imagination that can concieve these ideas, but they never get there.
I want to be gone.
Just exist inside memories; so one day someone might turn round and say 'where did she go?'
Be nothing more than a coloured blur in a crowded room in the back of someones mind.
I'm going to war.

I'll hand you the sharpest one to place it right in my back...

The times your itunes just understands...
Nothing but heavy today.
It's just one of those days i guess...
The day before the shit that is my birthday.
Give.Fuck.A.Not.

I was there but you couldn't see me...

 FOR FUCK SAKES.
I do not understand you anymore!
It wasn't so long ago that you would do nothing but text me about the stupidest shit, just to talk to me, any excuse to see me, any excuse to hang out and talk.
Now it's like trying to get a reaction from a wall. No a wall has more reaction, at least it dents, crumbles or shake if you hit it.  You're nothing now, just a void where you use to be.
I tried so hard, i know i'm not the easiest person to get close to but it's been fucking obvious i want to talk to you!
You said you used to care about me.  I think you were lying, i really do, cause no one you care about would you let get so far away from you. I used to get so scared when you got distant, now it's like that's the only you i can talk to.  I just want to know what's going on, you want me to be in your life supposedly but you never make the effort unless i do, that's not how a friendship works... It's going to kill me to see you when i get back, because at least here i can escape your eyes, your smell and all those memories, i can listen to your music and not get as sad as i am right now, i mean fucking hell, i'm crying over my laptop, WHY IS IT ONLY YOU THAT CAN MAKE ME CRY LIKE THIS?! Why aren't you here to wipe them away like you did?  Why aren't you here with me... Why aren't you here anymore?
I just want you to be happy, and i thought i made you happy.  Everything's broken now... i won't be able to see Pete without seeing you, or being reminded of you.
I just miss the little things. I just miss you, and who i could be around you.
You were the only thing good about me.
I've got nothing left to try for now. Except now i don't want to come back to Thanet; ever.
I can see what's happening; i'm not stupid.  It's the same situation i got at 15; being replaced by the one better than me, the prettier one, the nicer one, the one you 'truly' love.  I should've learnt not to compete.  It feel like everything you've said is lies; you said you'd never go back to her...
I leave for less than a month and everyone breaks their promises and starts to forget me.  The same way Joe forgot that we were supposed to be 'best-friends-forever', the same way Jordan forgot we were supposed to be 'never-torn-apart-, the same way everyone forgets i'm petrified of everything inside.
But i'm not going to give you the satisfaction of any more tears. I fell for you. And now i'm going to make you wish you'd kept me closer, cause you haven't seen anything yet.
You ain't seen nothing yet.

World War III

Madina Lake's new album = ♥
Just what i needed atm...

As World War III could be 3 days away... Second anniversary. Weren't talking last year, not talking this year.

I meant fuck all didn't i?

There are so many things i want to say to you...

I can't stop thinking of your bright blue eyes - the amount of times i lost myself in them only to realise you were staring at me - felt so embarrassed... But you were looking back and that's all that mattered to me.

The fact i cannot get you off my mind - contantly checking my phone for texts, thinking of an excuse to text you, searching for your name on facebook chat, looking for a status you post, listening to every song that reminds me of you, it's like you're inside my mind, in my dreams all i hear is your heartbeat next to mine, the touch of your hand is what i reach for every time i wake up.  First thing i think of in the morning, last thing at night, and every moment in between.

Re-reading old conversations - the heartbreaking arguments and the smile inducing sweet as honey moments.  The fact i feel sick about someone else being inside your arms; the last place i felt safe.

I've done many things that i'm not proud of - hurt you, i think, in some small way but then, i don't think i mean anything like as much to you as you do to me.

I get paranoid, i get jealous - emotions i've always ignored or never really had since the first time i fell in love - emotionally reticent as always, but you dragged them too the surface, demanding i open up to you, to someone, ANYONE.  I wish i had, but all that came out was pain and anger as well as badly explained reactions to tiny things.

Now i'm so far away and i can't bare the idea that you might forget me, forget what we had... Though what we had never really got going.

I just need to get this out, all these things i'll never be able to say to you - if i try to get it out i just seem to, i don't know, annoy you somehow...

I don't want to give up, but it feels so one-sided...

(8) But always know that you shine brighter, than anyone does...

This anniversary will never be the same...

'I promised myself i wouldn't do it, yet here i find myself, hair scraped back about to get ready for a night out, writing my thoughts down for the lonely internet to read.
You don't even check this i bet, so i'm prettty safe.

1 whole year. Time has gone so fast!
A whole year in the blink of an eye, changes of head, heart, subconcious...
Because things i have changed in me. All because of you :)
I don't know what i was expecting! A heartfelt phonecall, or 10 page text, or fb mail?
Why did i even think... keep myself awake last night, with this hope.
It's safe to say we've both moved on, in that we've had other relationships, felt the emotions again...
Well you maybe. I haven't.
I've been missing you more than ever, dreaming about you every night.
We met at the bottom of a mosh pit. A collision course.
Or a stroke of luck.
And now you hate me. Fair play to you on that.

In essence; i remembered.
I was always going to remember. This night changed my life.
So thank you. Truly, madly, deeply, thank you.
I love you.

And i'll see myself sitting up till half 12 tonight waiting. Just in case.'

Last year I wrote that on a blog so full of painful memories I can barely stand to read it.
Yet here we are, back at the same time of year.
11 days time.
Again, i'm unsure of what to do, to say, to think...

I can't believe the thing that caused us to fall apart, is the same thing that has me sitting in this room right now, so far away from you i'd have to be on the moon to get any further away. We fell apart because I was never fully there. I understand now.

I don't think you ever loved me as much as I loved you. I prefer it that way, if i'm honest.

I wonder if anniveraries like this actually mean the same thing to boys, or whether it's different.