There's a look in your eyes, and it's screaming goodbye...

Again, a blog post sparked by a conversation with a friend: bottling things up.
Uh oh, tricky subject, because, i don't let people in.
This could be difficult.

I think this tendency is a self taught one - when you're a young child, you tell everyone everything, you don't really have secrets, and if you do, they're generally known by your group of friends which consist of about 30 people.  But slowly your shown that people can't be trusted - they'll tell more people, use them to get at you or simply pick on you using these secrets as ammunition.  So you start thinking maybe you shouldn't tell people things.  You're also told that you're too innocent and naive - you don't know anything about life.  I think telling children this is a big mistake, because they are often more perceptive than given credit for.  Our society often doesn't listen to its children either: so why bother talking if no one's going to listen?  Now i'm not going to blame society or bad parenting for what is, essentially, a personal choice.  But it helps to understand why people may view bottling up their feelings as preferable to expressing them.

Another thing i've noticed, is it depends on what kind of friend you are, what kind of person you are.  Some people do like to tell people when they're down, where as others will go to extreme lengths to hide it.  Or thereare some, like me, who start to think about opening up, but when asked, i close up again.  Now i can only speak for myself but here's my reasoning behind it:

My friends are my world, and more often than not, at least one of them has something major going on in their lives.  Such is the nature of having a group of friends.  Now i don't want to add to the stress or drama by suddenly going 'That's all well and good but i want to tell you my feelings'.  So i hold off waiting for a calmer time, maybe sharing some more superficial troubles on the way.  But for me, things don't get calmer.  I think i've learnt to prefer it that way, because then i don't have to stop and take stock of things.  I bottle up my emotions so i can be a strong friend, a rock for people to rely on.

Some people may see it as a form of attention seeking, but i seriously don't like talking about me and my problems: yeah i'll ramble about altercations with the bf, or some girls who's getting on my tits.  But they don't really bother me.  It's just easier that way.

Red wine, by poolside, let's toast to the bitter end and the biggest mistake of our lives...

Looking round my room at the countless empty bottles of alcohol, i'm reminded of the past couple of days, where i have been, generally, in an inexplicably good mood.  Now i can't put my finger on why, there's a list of possible contributing factors but none stand out... which is unusual.


While doing some research following a rather interesting conversation with a friend, i came across a theory called The Robles Relationship Theory.  I'll link the website for more details, but the basic idea of how we behave around a 'crush' seems rather uncannily accurate.  Now this ties in with my other 'research': i've been contemplating the subconcious, the part that affects our lives in amounts that are inconcievable, yet, we don't generally realise it.  It's shaped by our past events, remembered emotions and reactions to situations.  The subconcious is a powerful force and a useful tool for understanding yourself - if you allow yourself to get in touch with it.  It can be a painful process, looking into the memories and reasons as to why we act they way we do or feel the way we do - it can bring back a lot of thing you thought you'd put to rest.  But if you can pull yourself through, with help if you need it, then the things you learn about yourself are astonishing and what's even better is... you can start to make some changes.


Another fact: we have a minimum of 8 'crushes' at every point in our lives, whether you're in a relationship or not.  Most of these reside in our subconcious and never surface more than that; using the Roble Theory they remain in the 'Realm of Confusion'.  Now, you have to be aware that having a 'crush/crushes' is completely natural, even if you're in a relationship.  But if you're in touch with your subconious, these 'crushes' can again help you to see what you need or want - from security and emotional support to freedom and risk.  These things can help us see what we want from life.  It also begins to give you a strange format to the people you generally like, looks wise.


Something to think about isn't it; at this point in time there are around 8 people you know that you're 'crushing' on...


http://sites.google.com/site/takielwestman/theory-basis

This feeling i can't take no more...

Try to love the little things in life, like running in the rain...

I've always been good at loving the small things in life; the first sunny day in spring, dewdrops on grass, the sound of rain pattering on the ground.  Yet sometimes I surprise myself with the little things i do.

For example, I usually sleep to the left hand side of my double bed, not sure why, it's just where i sleep.  Now last night, after watching Hot Fuzz (well me sleeping, the DVD skipping around making me think i'd somehow gone back in time and the bf just laying there) i decided it was sleeping time for definite, and as always the bf then returns to his room (complicated story there, don't ask).

Now i found myself do something strange.  Though i was quite comfy where i was, on my side of the bed, as soon as he'd left, I rolled over, gathering my pillows and cuddled down exactly where he'd been laying.  No reason for it other than... that's what i did.  I slept easier and better than a normally do.  And when i thought about it, it actually do it quite often.  No one's ever noticed it and neither have I.

Just got me wondering how many things we do each day, that could actually make someone else's day, without even meaning too.  Weird huh?

I'd whisper that i love you, as you fall out of your clothes...

Inspiration strikes at the randomest times!

I'm a born performer; there's nothing i enjoy more than making people's worries go away, even briefly, anyway i can.  It's never been a competitive things though, i do it because i enjoy it.  I will deny i can sing, because it's where i feel i'm weakest and it's my least favourite part of performing, yet i found myself after 10 minutes practice on stage with three best friends about to sing the opening lines of Don't Stop Believing in front of an audience of about 100 - all people i was at school at.  I have not felt nerves like that since i did my scripted public performance last year (i didn't know the words - fair reason to be nervous).  But then inspiration hit.  For a short while i've been talking a lot with a friend, and during the conversations that bounce around erratically from facepalming to me being a burglar, we discussed music, our musical talents and such.  He himself is INCREDIBLY talented (he'll deny it aswell - so irritating!)  As per usual i told him i couldn't sing but his reply was 'You're an incredibly modest person, so i bet you can'.  And that conversation came to mind when i was standing before the microphone, that maybe, i should just embrace what i can do and go for it.  A flash of inspiration.  And i belted that first line as if i'd been doing it all my life, maybe not pitch perfect, and i felt my voice wobble on the longer notes but i did it...

I'm not sure how i would've coped without that moment.  Sure i've sung in public before, at various people's birthdays, but ALWAYS after a couple (five or six) of drinks, or in a completely ridiculous costume so no one's really paying attention.  But i think these is one of those moments that will genuinely change something - i'm not perfect so i'm gonna get help and maybe one day i'll have the balls to do Defying Gravity in front of people!