Search and destroy...

I'm so ugly with my glasses on.
Not much better without.
My smile's out of wack.
My hair never goes right.
I'm fat. Overweight that is.
Not enough exercise to burn off the shit i put my body through.
And i wonder why people leave?
I just want to retreat inside my world, where i make my own rules and what you look like doesn't matter. I've got a soul of transparency; i'm not malicious or evil or wrong. Misunderstood maybe.
I just want people to see me as i do?
I want to sing my heart out and no one will listen.
I want to scream every last word of every last song i love.
I want to take a lead in a show, i want to write one, i want to create something.
Instead of being stuck with an overactive imagination that can concieve these ideas, but they never get there.
I want to be gone.
Just exist inside memories; so one day someone might turn round and say 'where did she go?'
Be nothing more than a coloured blur in a crowded room in the back of someones mind.
I'm going to war.

I'll hand you the sharpest one to place it right in my back...

The times your itunes just understands...
Nothing but heavy today.
It's just one of those days i guess...
The day before the shit that is my birthday.
Give.Fuck.A.Not.

I was there but you couldn't see me...

 FOR FUCK SAKES.
I do not understand you anymore!
It wasn't so long ago that you would do nothing but text me about the stupidest shit, just to talk to me, any excuse to see me, any excuse to hang out and talk.
Now it's like trying to get a reaction from a wall. No a wall has more reaction, at least it dents, crumbles or shake if you hit it.  You're nothing now, just a void where you use to be.
I tried so hard, i know i'm not the easiest person to get close to but it's been fucking obvious i want to talk to you!
You said you used to care about me.  I think you were lying, i really do, cause no one you care about would you let get so far away from you. I used to get so scared when you got distant, now it's like that's the only you i can talk to.  I just want to know what's going on, you want me to be in your life supposedly but you never make the effort unless i do, that's not how a friendship works... It's going to kill me to see you when i get back, because at least here i can escape your eyes, your smell and all those memories, i can listen to your music and not get as sad as i am right now, i mean fucking hell, i'm crying over my laptop, WHY IS IT ONLY YOU THAT CAN MAKE ME CRY LIKE THIS?! Why aren't you here to wipe them away like you did?  Why aren't you here with me... Why aren't you here anymore?
I just want you to be happy, and i thought i made you happy.  Everything's broken now... i won't be able to see Pete without seeing you, or being reminded of you.
I just miss the little things. I just miss you, and who i could be around you.
You were the only thing good about me.
I've got nothing left to try for now. Except now i don't want to come back to Thanet; ever.
I can see what's happening; i'm not stupid.  It's the same situation i got at 15; being replaced by the one better than me, the prettier one, the nicer one, the one you 'truly' love.  I should've learnt not to compete.  It feel like everything you've said is lies; you said you'd never go back to her...
I leave for less than a month and everyone breaks their promises and starts to forget me.  The same way Joe forgot that we were supposed to be 'best-friends-forever', the same way Jordan forgot we were supposed to be 'never-torn-apart-, the same way everyone forgets i'm petrified of everything inside.
But i'm not going to give you the satisfaction of any more tears. I fell for you. And now i'm going to make you wish you'd kept me closer, cause you haven't seen anything yet.
You ain't seen nothing yet.

World War III

Madina Lake's new album = ♥
Just what i needed atm...

As World War III could be 3 days away... Second anniversary. Weren't talking last year, not talking this year.

I meant fuck all didn't i?

There are so many things i want to say to you...

I can't stop thinking of your bright blue eyes - the amount of times i lost myself in them only to realise you were staring at me - felt so embarrassed... But you were looking back and that's all that mattered to me.

The fact i cannot get you off my mind - contantly checking my phone for texts, thinking of an excuse to text you, searching for your name on facebook chat, looking for a status you post, listening to every song that reminds me of you, it's like you're inside my mind, in my dreams all i hear is your heartbeat next to mine, the touch of your hand is what i reach for every time i wake up.  First thing i think of in the morning, last thing at night, and every moment in between.

Re-reading old conversations - the heartbreaking arguments and the smile inducing sweet as honey moments.  The fact i feel sick about someone else being inside your arms; the last place i felt safe.

I've done many things that i'm not proud of - hurt you, i think, in some small way but then, i don't think i mean anything like as much to you as you do to me.

I get paranoid, i get jealous - emotions i've always ignored or never really had since the first time i fell in love - emotionally reticent as always, but you dragged them too the surface, demanding i open up to you, to someone, ANYONE.  I wish i had, but all that came out was pain and anger as well as badly explained reactions to tiny things.

Now i'm so far away and i can't bare the idea that you might forget me, forget what we had... Though what we had never really got going.

I just need to get this out, all these things i'll never be able to say to you - if i try to get it out i just seem to, i don't know, annoy you somehow...

I don't want to give up, but it feels so one-sided...

(8) But always know that you shine brighter, than anyone does...

This anniversary will never be the same...

'I promised myself i wouldn't do it, yet here i find myself, hair scraped back about to get ready for a night out, writing my thoughts down for the lonely internet to read.
You don't even check this i bet, so i'm prettty safe.

1 whole year. Time has gone so fast!
A whole year in the blink of an eye, changes of head, heart, subconcious...
Because things i have changed in me. All because of you :)
I don't know what i was expecting! A heartfelt phonecall, or 10 page text, or fb mail?
Why did i even think... keep myself awake last night, with this hope.
It's safe to say we've both moved on, in that we've had other relationships, felt the emotions again...
Well you maybe. I haven't.
I've been missing you more than ever, dreaming about you every night.
We met at the bottom of a mosh pit. A collision course.
Or a stroke of luck.
And now you hate me. Fair play to you on that.

In essence; i remembered.
I was always going to remember. This night changed my life.
So thank you. Truly, madly, deeply, thank you.
I love you.

And i'll see myself sitting up till half 12 tonight waiting. Just in case.'

Last year I wrote that on a blog so full of painful memories I can barely stand to read it.
Yet here we are, back at the same time of year.
11 days time.
Again, i'm unsure of what to do, to say, to think...

I can't believe the thing that caused us to fall apart, is the same thing that has me sitting in this room right now, so far away from you i'd have to be on the moon to get any further away. We fell apart because I was never fully there. I understand now.

I don't think you ever loved me as much as I loved you. I prefer it that way, if i'm honest.

I wonder if anniveraries like this actually mean the same thing to boys, or whether it's different.

And i feel like nothing can save me.

Wow, 8 days till my life truly starts and i'm crying into my packing.

I wasn't supposed to get broken again.

Always know that you shine brighter, than anyone does...

The reformation of my work choir over the last couple of days (featuring my twin and myself on vocals) re-ignited my passion for Paramore and Hey Monday, so am i once again lost in a world of words. This i like.

'I'm not running away; this time i'm walking away with enough time for you to call me back. But this time, once i'm gone, i'm never coming home. 11 Days, and it can't come soon enough.'

Like every Hey Monday song, this status of mine isn't just meant for one person, in one way... My disappearance can't come soon enough in most respects but in a couple of others is coming too fast.

Positives first: in the past month or so, i have made SO many new friends and i don't want to leave them all behind before we've barely got started!

I now have a best friend i can talk too and she is more precious to me than i think she realises; she may be mini-me, but i'll give everything away to stop the pain she's in right now and any pain she might live through, if she turns out anything like me. 

Also, two of the best days this summer have been spent in the park, eating far too much sugar and quoting far to many Disney films - tbh i'd rather have spent the weekend with that group than have gone to Reading!

I've refound my closeness with my twin; well more appropriately the other half of my world.  We hadn't seen each other much due to stupid work scheduling (WILL NOT START A RANT) but these last few days have seemed like that missing puzzle piece is back and i've decided he's not going anywhere :)

Negatives: i feel there are far to many things happening that i need to get away from.

1.Your lack of anything in return is starting to get to me; you're kinda all words but kinda not at the same time and i don't know what to make of it. I don't know what to make of last night; tbh i've never been sure with you.  I know what we agreed but things have gone too far now... I don't want to lose that feeling of absolute safety.

2. You always accused me of running away from my problems; problems that now can't be dealt with because i am forced to ask your sister if you even exist on this planet anymore.  We have a habit of saying things we didn't mean.  We both said unforgiveable things.  You've got so far away, i don't think i could hear you calling me back.  11 days.  I'm wondering how many people you've fucked and how deep you're trailing my name through the mud.  The first one's none of my business, and the second doesn't affect me, as i won't be here.

3. You just never listen, do you? I'm supposed to be your best friend, not your put-back-together-then-fuck-off-er.

I wish you were here.

Now she's got a boyfriend and i've got a rockband...

I miss band practice - truly being a part of music, creating it, making it my own. Dug out some old lyrics: Solar Powered Happiness right?

[Untitled]

My name's bittersweet on your lips
Lingering there from the departing kiss
Photos and memories are left of the past
How were we to know this wouldn't last?

As my heart sinks down in my chest
I know this is for the best
But what i've done is oh so wrong...

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.

I can only say sorry so many times
Before we get tired of the same old lines,
You lost your temper so i shut you out
Why keep trying when all we do is shout?

As my heart sinks down in my chest
Please don't think i jest
Cause what i've done is oh so wrong...

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.

Thanks for the inspiration
For a final song to say goodbye
And when i said forever
I never meant it to be a lie..

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.
I knew this would be our downfall...


Not perfect; but i think these are some of the best words i've written. (:

The longer that i live with this idea, the more i sink in...

I've thrown up every defence mechanism i have within in the last 48 hours because of some of the stuff that has been said - i can't get them down.

It's like my minds thrown up a bubble; i can see and feel everything but its like numbed a bit.

Everythings filtering through slower than normal, but it doesn't stop that irrational part of my brain going: 'They were right, you're not wanted for anything other than physical gratification.'

 

*Self Destruct Button Needed*

Tonight you'll cry yourself to sleep...

In sleep we cannot lie - our dreams our the total of our subconcious and all that we have seen.
I sleep talk - i tell nothing but the truth.

But right now, i miss having someone real and tangible here; i miss 'cuddles'. Not hugs, not sex, not foreplay, proper cuddles.

But everyone i know is taken, or seeing someone.  I wish someone could be there for me like i've always been there for them.

I guess Charmander and Yoshi will have to do for now...

If this is how it has to be, just promise you won't forget me...

And i'm getting rather peeved with people who've promised that, then gone back on their word.


1. We used to spend every waking moment of every day texting, usually about nonsense, but the fact remained it was all day everyday.  We used to laugh at ourselves when we hung out, because we'd both keep checking our phones, because we're so used to having texts from each other, even though we were together!  We were so inseperable, i guess you could say we ousted the third member of our trio rather quickly... we were like brother and sister and even more, i could tell you anything, i trusted you explicitly, as you did me: when you were afraid to sleep, it was me that held you until you did, when i was on a downer, it was only you that could bring me up again.  But now... i barely get acknowledged when i see you, i have to visit your parents to find out how you are (you have no idea how much time i've spent worrying over you being so seriously ill) and now i'm hearing from people that i've been in your bad books in the last few months.  I don't know how true or exactly what's been said, but it stung me right to my soul.  I know you've got your new girlfriend, and your new set of friends, but it wasn't so long ago i was known as '----'s Anna', it wasn't so long ago we finished every text with 'love you x'.No one calls you by the name i know you as anymore.  Maybe that says something...

2. I may not remember exactly what was said, but our first conversation has always stuck in my mind: the fact i trusted you so instantly i was able to sit their holding your hand for goodness knows how long while you listened to me ramble.  You kind of bubbled into my life out of no where, exactly when i needed someone like you: yet i don't think it was one sided, as i was forever hearing at your parties 'Oh so you're Anna, ----'s told us about you!' The amount of time we've spent playing truth or truth and i have never are countless, the crazy, silly things we've done, we were like two puzzle pieces, it just worked.  I never told you i loved you back enough.  Now you're happy with her, and that makes me happy to my very core.  But i miss being able to message you at anytime and know you'll reply as soon as you can.  Seeing your present just sitting in my bedroom since February has totally eaten away at me.  I don't know if i know you anymore...

3. We met when i was so young, and you never really left my life after that.  Our little gang at yours... they were some of the best times, simply because no one had to act.  You were the closest thing to big brother i think i'm ever going to have: i knew you'd never let me down.  I ran out of my house at goodness knows what time just to se you when everything fell apart: my threat still has that person avoiding me at all costs.  I stodd up for you, as you did for me.  Now trying to get anything from you is more difficult than living without a heart or oxygen.  It's like you've forgotten everything...

4. It wasn't so long ago that you said if i was going to play cupid for you, i needed to shoot myself.  We've been there for each other through break ups and crazy nights.  My loyalty to you is fiercer than anything i know; i've defended you more times recently than i can count, simply because i've known you for so long.  We used to randomly chat about nothing, do random things like cake fights and bowling trips... Not anymore though.  I've tried, but i guess you've got newer, better friends.

5. This isn;t just one person, more of a group.  I know i'm partially to blame for this, i should've made more of an effort: but why didn't you guys? Some of you i've known for a long time, others not so much, but i've always done everything i can for you.  I miss having the girly moments with you all, and the mammoth bitching sessions, as well as the in depth heart to hearts.  I know i kinda pushed myself from the group, but now it feels like i'm the enemy.  I'm sorry i didn't have the money to come to see you guys as much as you wanted... wish i'd saved up a bit more often now.  I wish you'd just tell me straight if i've upset any of you, and what i can do to fix it.  I don't want to spend my last couple of months worried about what i could've done to upset people i'll still call my best friends...

One thing i've noticed, is i become surplus to requirements when people get in a relationship - so often the need for a 'girl best friend' disappears.  But for me, you weren't just my 'guy best friend', because i have a lot of those.  You were part of my family, part of making me exactly who i am today.  Maybe i should've tried harder, i can see when i should have, but we're all human.  I wish i could step inside my memories so i could hug you that little bit tighter, for a littler bit longer and make you promise one more time that you'll never leave me.  And now you've left, i'm just hoping you'll never forget me...

The Name Of The Wind

'Names are importanat as they tell you a great deal about a person.

I've had more names than anyone has a right to... 

I have stolen princesses back from sleeping barrow kings. 

I burned down the town of Trebon.

I have spent the night with Felurian and left with both my sanity and my life.

I was expelled from the University at a younger age than most people are allowed in.

I tread paths by moonlight that other fear to speak during the day.

I have talked to Gods, loved women , and written songs that make the minstrels weep.

You may have heard of me.'

Tattoos and a switchblade attitude, snakebite heart with a bubblegum smile...

People constantly question me as to why i insist on destroying my hair with bleach every summer.  Same way they question the way i dress, the way i act, even the way i talk.  This summers attack on my hair is more important than ever before.


Every person has something that identifies them.  That's obvious: everyone is unique, different sizes and shape, different faces, whatever.  But everyone has a way to identify themselves - something that reminds them of who they are.  The way i dress, the way i act, is my way of cementing, to myself, who i am, where i've come from and where i'm going.


Those who know me well, and i mean truly know me, will know that recently i have been through a fair bit.  And the one thing that has scared me about the last month or so, is how i've started to fade away, i've started to lose myself in everything, in anger, hate, tears and numbness.


Something as simple as painting my nails black helped me feel better.  Wearing some eyeliner instead of just llowing make up completely.  Retrieving my bracelets and my ring, helped make me feel more like me again.  I'm not all back yet though.  And that worries me somewhat.  What has been created in me in the last month?

This is why dying my hair this year is more important - it seems so superficial, but for me it isn't, it's my main way of expressing who i am.  Because as much as i loved my May Ball, getting all dressed up, looking at those pictures i don't see me, not completely.  I'm not redefined yet; not yet.

So cut my wrists and black my eyes...

Catharsis
- the purging of emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.

Cathartic relief comes in many forms - through artistic expression in painting, singing, music and performing, often manifesting itself in the variety of forms of 'self harm', from pinging elastic bands around your wrist to actual cutting.  Everyone discovers their own way of releasing these emotions, entirely unique to each person, some more 'healthy' than others.

I write down my thoughts and feelings, in their rawest, bluntest form, as they are for my eyes only.  The bottling up of my more extreme emotions causes me to get ill; so i try to avoid it as much as possible.

Now i have no release left, as i feel like no where is safe for my thoughts, except in my head.  And the last time i felt this ill, was when i had swine flu.  So now i'm hunting down new bands, to escape the overload of memories from all my favourite bands, as music is the best form of catharsis, because when words fail, music speaks.

I think we just want different things, i want space, you want a diamond ring...

Selfish
–adjective

1.

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives

 

Selfless

–adjective

having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

 

For someone who would rather see her friends happy and will selflessly give anything for that to happen, i'm the bad guy for doing one selfish thing.

Step one you say we need to talk...

The best thing about tonight is we're not fighting.   I always promised that i'd never sing of love if it does not exist. Now i'm broken by your smile; the time has come to fly again.  It's not enough, it's not enough, to give me everything i need.  Maybe there's beauty in goodbye, there's just no reason left to try.  You know i love you i really do, but i can't fight anymore for you.  I know it don't feel right that i'm leaving.  I'm not coming back, i've done something so terrible, i'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me, i'm mixed up i'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair, and out of my mind.

There are so many things i want to say to you: like i love you, i miss you and i hate life without you.  I'm screaming 'i love you so' but my thoughts you can't decode.  Do you know you're unlike any other, you'll always be my thunder.  You know i hate this song, because it was written for you. And i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but i want you to move on, so i'm already gone.

But what can you do with a girl like that?  She can captivate you with her eyes, but she'll never let you in.  Miss nothing; miss everything.  You tell me i'm a mess, you say that i'm a wreck; how could i expect anything less?

If this is how it has to be just promise you won't forget me; and i'll leave you with this lullaby.  And i'll tuck you in plant my lips where your necklaces close.

'You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming?  That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting.'

http://thappiness.tumblr.com/post/1242200277/i-do-believe-in-fairies-i-do-i-do-peterpan

I've got my mindset on you...

Mindgames.


Why, why would anyone actually want to try and mess with someones psych like that?


You get a guy, seems lovely but seemingly really low self esteem - they shower you with compliments, make you laugh, you do everything you can to stop them putting themselves down, try and build on their self-worth, just try and make them see that they're an amazing guy - who just so happens to think you're amazing too.


And your best friend.  And all your other friends.  And some other girls you know too.


What is wrong in you conniving head that makes you think its ok to do that?!
Especially if you do it when a girl, for example, is in the middle of a break up, or having trouble with her boyfriend or even if she's confided in you about trust issues from a previous relationship, do you stop to think how your actions might adversely affect them?


Or another type of mindgame: you know someone likes you, but you don't want a relationship; fair enough, you make it clear.  But then you don't start sleeping your way around their friendship group; especially not telling her about it! You don't get on her best friend IN FRONT OF HER!  Surely a single brain cell should be saying: i value this friendship, so i'll make sure i stay away from her friends like that, and keep it on the low until she's over me.  Actually think about someone else instead of staying wrapped up inside your own petty life.


And the other one that really grates on my nerves: just playing the victim for sympathy.  Naivety is no excuse for messing someone around, the same way past experiences aren't.  If you know something makes you behave in a certain way: BE HONEST ABOUT IT.  If you have trust issues, don't be a cunt and make the person trying to get close to you have them!  And most of all, don't try and work your way into their friendship group, so you'll always be there, cause it's not healthy.


Basically, a rant about the fall downs of the male sub-species.  Yes i'm a small person with a lot of anger.
Girls play mindgames too: but i don't.

Too Long In The Same Place.

'I remember when you told me, i should live like i'm dying,

not to close my eyes while everything burns...'

Sudden unexplained melancholy.  Uneasy feeling of betrayal.  Interesting.

There's a look in your eyes, and it's screaming goodbye...

Again, a blog post sparked by a conversation with a friend: bottling things up.
Uh oh, tricky subject, because, i don't let people in.
This could be difficult.

I think this tendency is a self taught one - when you're a young child, you tell everyone everything, you don't really have secrets, and if you do, they're generally known by your group of friends which consist of about 30 people.  But slowly your shown that people can't be trusted - they'll tell more people, use them to get at you or simply pick on you using these secrets as ammunition.  So you start thinking maybe you shouldn't tell people things.  You're also told that you're too innocent and naive - you don't know anything about life.  I think telling children this is a big mistake, because they are often more perceptive than given credit for.  Our society often doesn't listen to its children either: so why bother talking if no one's going to listen?  Now i'm not going to blame society or bad parenting for what is, essentially, a personal choice.  But it helps to understand why people may view bottling up their feelings as preferable to expressing them.

Another thing i've noticed, is it depends on what kind of friend you are, what kind of person you are.  Some people do like to tell people when they're down, where as others will go to extreme lengths to hide it.  Or thereare some, like me, who start to think about opening up, but when asked, i close up again.  Now i can only speak for myself but here's my reasoning behind it:

My friends are my world, and more often than not, at least one of them has something major going on in their lives.  Such is the nature of having a group of friends.  Now i don't want to add to the stress or drama by suddenly going 'That's all well and good but i want to tell you my feelings'.  So i hold off waiting for a calmer time, maybe sharing some more superficial troubles on the way.  But for me, things don't get calmer.  I think i've learnt to prefer it that way, because then i don't have to stop and take stock of things.  I bottle up my emotions so i can be a strong friend, a rock for people to rely on.

Some people may see it as a form of attention seeking, but i seriously don't like talking about me and my problems: yeah i'll ramble about altercations with the bf, or some girls who's getting on my tits.  But they don't really bother me.  It's just easier that way.

Red wine, by poolside, let's toast to the bitter end and the biggest mistake of our lives...

Looking round my room at the countless empty bottles of alcohol, i'm reminded of the past couple of days, where i have been, generally, in an inexplicably good mood.  Now i can't put my finger on why, there's a list of possible contributing factors but none stand out... which is unusual.


While doing some research following a rather interesting conversation with a friend, i came across a theory called The Robles Relationship Theory.  I'll link the website for more details, but the basic idea of how we behave around a 'crush' seems rather uncannily accurate.  Now this ties in with my other 'research': i've been contemplating the subconcious, the part that affects our lives in amounts that are inconcievable, yet, we don't generally realise it.  It's shaped by our past events, remembered emotions and reactions to situations.  The subconcious is a powerful force and a useful tool for understanding yourself - if you allow yourself to get in touch with it.  It can be a painful process, looking into the memories and reasons as to why we act they way we do or feel the way we do - it can bring back a lot of thing you thought you'd put to rest.  But if you can pull yourself through, with help if you need it, then the things you learn about yourself are astonishing and what's even better is... you can start to make some changes.


Another fact: we have a minimum of 8 'crushes' at every point in our lives, whether you're in a relationship or not.  Most of these reside in our subconcious and never surface more than that; using the Roble Theory they remain in the 'Realm of Confusion'.  Now, you have to be aware that having a 'crush/crushes' is completely natural, even if you're in a relationship.  But if you're in touch with your subconious, these 'crushes' can again help you to see what you need or want - from security and emotional support to freedom and risk.  These things can help us see what we want from life.  It also begins to give you a strange format to the people you generally like, looks wise.


Something to think about isn't it; at this point in time there are around 8 people you know that you're 'crushing' on...


http://sites.google.com/site/takielwestman/theory-basis

This feeling i can't take no more...

Try to love the little things in life, like running in the rain...

I've always been good at loving the small things in life; the first sunny day in spring, dewdrops on grass, the sound of rain pattering on the ground.  Yet sometimes I surprise myself with the little things i do.

For example, I usually sleep to the left hand side of my double bed, not sure why, it's just where i sleep.  Now last night, after watching Hot Fuzz (well me sleeping, the DVD skipping around making me think i'd somehow gone back in time and the bf just laying there) i decided it was sleeping time for definite, and as always the bf then returns to his room (complicated story there, don't ask).

Now i found myself do something strange.  Though i was quite comfy where i was, on my side of the bed, as soon as he'd left, I rolled over, gathering my pillows and cuddled down exactly where he'd been laying.  No reason for it other than... that's what i did.  I slept easier and better than a normally do.  And when i thought about it, it actually do it quite often.  No one's ever noticed it and neither have I.

Just got me wondering how many things we do each day, that could actually make someone else's day, without even meaning too.  Weird huh?

I'd whisper that i love you, as you fall out of your clothes...

Inspiration strikes at the randomest times!

I'm a born performer; there's nothing i enjoy more than making people's worries go away, even briefly, anyway i can.  It's never been a competitive things though, i do it because i enjoy it.  I will deny i can sing, because it's where i feel i'm weakest and it's my least favourite part of performing, yet i found myself after 10 minutes practice on stage with three best friends about to sing the opening lines of Don't Stop Believing in front of an audience of about 100 - all people i was at school at.  I have not felt nerves like that since i did my scripted public performance last year (i didn't know the words - fair reason to be nervous).  But then inspiration hit.  For a short while i've been talking a lot with a friend, and during the conversations that bounce around erratically from facepalming to me being a burglar, we discussed music, our musical talents and such.  He himself is INCREDIBLY talented (he'll deny it aswell - so irritating!)  As per usual i told him i couldn't sing but his reply was 'You're an incredibly modest person, so i bet you can'.  And that conversation came to mind when i was standing before the microphone, that maybe, i should just embrace what i can do and go for it.  A flash of inspiration.  And i belted that first line as if i'd been doing it all my life, maybe not pitch perfect, and i felt my voice wobble on the longer notes but i did it...

I'm not sure how i would've coped without that moment.  Sure i've sung in public before, at various people's birthdays, but ALWAYS after a couple (five or six) of drinks, or in a completely ridiculous costume so no one's really paying attention.  But i think these is one of those moments that will genuinely change something - i'm not perfect so i'm gonna get help and maybe one day i'll have the balls to do Defying Gravity in front of people!

Picking at scabs...

More and more recently i'm finding old memories stirred up.  Ones i thought were long forgotten or dealt with.  Yet looking back at them properly, the influence they've had... still have... makes you wonder.

Something is telling me to stop picking apart the threads of my life, stop looking for something, stop picking the scabs from the wounds... but there's a freedom in it.

I'm remembering times were i acted in a way i wish i could now.  I used to say things i'd never have the balls to say these days.  Wonder what changed?

Do this one more time and i'll bite your fucking fingers off!

This ain't hollywood, this is a small town...

'and baby i was naive, got lost in your eyes, i never really had a chance...'

So Hollywood Endings.  Things end everyday; only today i (fingers crossed) finished the practical section of my A level drama.  An ending.  I see them all around; friendships, relationships, days... even lives.  Nothing ever ends like it does in Hollywood films though... you can't skip off into the sunset and everything will be perfect, there's no prince charming coming to carry you away, there aren't any dragons you can simply slay and there's no magic... Or is there.

So you can't have a hollywood ending, cause too many things end in a way far from perfect.  Its human life.  Yet through it all, i still believe in magic.  It's in the air, it's almost tangible... if you look and feel deeply enough.  I'll go to my local park, just around sunset, and climb my favourite tree, to my favorite spot, and when i look up, through a hole in the leaves, i can see the fading of the colours from the sky.  I'll listen to song, and i suddenly understand the lyrics and the hairs on my arms will stand on end.  I'll be on the beach, the stars are out and there's a moment of unorganised silence around the fire.  I'll go for a high five at work and it'll make that awesome noise!

What am i getting at?  Things go wrong; people come in and out of your life, you make mistakes.  Things END.  But look a little deeper, and maybe you can see the magic.  Try it sometime; take a walk with your music on shuffle, along somewhere quiet, either early morning or early evening.  See where you end up, what you see, what connection you find with your music, the surroundings, yourself.

I do believe in fairies, i do, i do...

Wish You Were Here...

A rather strange phrase, especially as it is the title of TWO of my favourite songs at the moment.

But who am i wishing for?

Seems to be clear i am.




But the two songs are rather contrasting;




Hey Monday's seems to be more about missing someone who isn't coming back, about the things you lose along the way - 'My heart in a postcard darling'

Seems to be accusing someone of leaving them to face the hell of being 'alone'.

About the shit that comes with relationships.I think i like it cause it fits with some of my feelings atm.

I'm angry at someone.




Yet Avril Lavigne's is on a different level...

For me it isn't about a relationship... well it is, of sorts.

But for me it's old friendships; the people i've drifted from.

The memories 'of all the crazy things we did'.

There's someone i've been missing a lot recently, people say things change but still...

There's someone else i used to rely on, they've changed, but i wish they were here, the them i knew, once...

And another that's coming back. All from the same time in my life.




Beggars can't be chosers and i'm so happy to have one of my oldest friends back in my life...

But though some holes have been filled by my new, and actually better friends, there's one hole left.

I've never had a best friend like you since. You haven't changed beyond recognition but it's been a long time since we finished every text with 'love you'.




I'll leave you with this; make your own conclusions.

Much love for Tai for giving me the album ^^,

And time, catches everyone, and the world goes round the sun...

There's this undercurrent of excitement and tension around these parts.  It's production week of the big show, A level drama exams are in two weeks, all other exams are not far off and then... summer.  True escape.  Though it doesn't account for all this... tingle in the air.  I've only felt it once before, in the air of what was the greatest summer of my life.  Summer '07.  I was 14 years old, about to start my GCSE year... and i started to not give a flying fuck! I spent every day bar one on Ramsgate beach (the other was in a hot tub in my friends garden O.o) with bright red streaks in my hair, some of the greatest people with me and a fairground just on the sea front.  I have no idea how much money i spent on food, drinks and rides but it was so worth it.  If a summer could be perfect... that one was.

Yet times has passed.  And some of those people are still some of my bestest friends.  Yet others i barely know, talk to, or even get along with these days.  I have new friends.  A new life.  But something about that summer will remain with me always, burnt in my memory as 'So Wrong, It's Right'.  Cause that summer had a soundtrack, by a certain band called All Time Low.

Now Summer '11 is approaching and it's got me thinking.  I'm older now, so i'm sure i won't remember some of it.  But it's also my last sumer here, in this dead-end town.  I wonder if we could recreate, just for a day, the innocence of that summer.  Cause that's what Summer '07 means to me; the last summer before i got hurt, the last summer before i learnt the hard truth about things.  The last summer i truly, felt alive.

It's not enough, it's not enough...

Silence is sometimes my best friend; for someone whose world is words, the absence of them is often my favourite time of day.  I like to sit in the dark doing nothing, or even just sit on my laptop checking out what's happening with no music or anything.  Am i strange?

New favourite song below :)

Take a look at me so you can see how beautiful you are...

Though i would never go back to those two years of hell, the creativity it inspired in me can never be replicated.

That Day…
You caught me at a bad time,
You took me by surprise,
A stolen kiss from forbidden lips,
Did you feel my butterflies?
You took my idle dreaming,
You made it all come true,
A special night beneath the stars,
Did you see it too?
You left me a memory,
You took my hand in yours,
A future promise, a chance maybe,
Can we work through the flaws?

Three Cheers For Five Years

I get obsessions with the strangest of things.
I have a deep love of fireworks, snow, sun, stars, fairies, dragons, lyrics, darkness, neon colours, mosh pits, work, Ramsgate beach, King George park, bracelets, fantasy books.
I hoard most pieces of paper, from receipts to clothing labels.  Most of them go on my bedroom walls, alongside posters of my favourite bands and pictures that document my changing hair colours.
Most often described as 'scene' i prefer to wear black jeans, neon blue Doc Marten's and a variety of bright t-shirts.
I tan very easily, often leading to a very surfer-y look in the summer months.
I prefer to go barefoot when possible, but despise flip flops with a passion.
I love fancy dress - i will use any excuse to create a new outfit.
I go through phases with songs and bands.
My favourite website is Journal of Secrets - yes i do have a secret posted.
I have kept numerous diaries, each documenting a different phase of my life.
I have two memory boxes; one an eclectic mix of very old memories, one a more modern ordered collection.
I dislike silence not of my own making, and prefer clutter to tidiness.
People think i'm weird until they get to know me... then the consensus is i'm just mentally unstable :)
One of my prized possessions is a build-a-bear from Canterbury.

Take these things into account when you read my rambles.
Oh and the fact i'm a Drama and English Literature student who reads way too much ><"

Enjoy.Ox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiSfTyrvJlg

Dear, dear diary, i wanna tell my secrets...

Just a quick post to start things off, as i'm on a very bad internet connection.

I'm Anna, i'm 18, and currently in Australia though i usually reside in the small dead-end town of Ramsgate.  I dream of Westend and Hollywood stardom, pokemon, various DS games, rainbow butterflies and my friends doing the strangest things.  My friends are the most important thing to me.  As is my music :)

Every post will probably be titled with a lyric from a song that has had most relevance to my day or the post.  Lyrics are my little quirk, be warned.

I have a tendency to ramble in a very poetic manner, apologies in advance about that too :)

That's all for now, next blog will probably be a bit more of an introduction to the convoluted workings of my mind :)
Peace Out.Xo