Now she's got a boyfriend and i've got a rockband...

I miss band practice - truly being a part of music, creating it, making it my own. Dug out some old lyrics: Solar Powered Happiness right?

[Untitled]

My name's bittersweet on your lips
Lingering there from the departing kiss
Photos and memories are left of the past
How were we to know this wouldn't last?

As my heart sinks down in my chest
I know this is for the best
But what i've done is oh so wrong...

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.

I can only say sorry so many times
Before we get tired of the same old lines,
You lost your temper so i shut you out
Why keep trying when all we do is shout?

As my heart sinks down in my chest
Please don't think i jest
Cause what i've done is oh so wrong...

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.

Thanks for the inspiration
For a final song to say goodbye
And when i said forever
I never meant it to be a lie..

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.
I knew this would be our downfall...


Not perfect; but i think these are some of the best words i've written. (:

The longer that i live with this idea, the more i sink in...

I've thrown up every defence mechanism i have within in the last 48 hours because of some of the stuff that has been said - i can't get them down.

It's like my minds thrown up a bubble; i can see and feel everything but its like numbed a bit.

Everythings filtering through slower than normal, but it doesn't stop that irrational part of my brain going: 'They were right, you're not wanted for anything other than physical gratification.'

 

*Self Destruct Button Needed*

Tonight you'll cry yourself to sleep...

In sleep we cannot lie - our dreams our the total of our subconcious and all that we have seen.
I sleep talk - i tell nothing but the truth.

But right now, i miss having someone real and tangible here; i miss 'cuddles'. Not hugs, not sex, not foreplay, proper cuddles.

But everyone i know is taken, or seeing someone.  I wish someone could be there for me like i've always been there for them.

I guess Charmander and Yoshi will have to do for now...

If this is how it has to be, just promise you won't forget me...

And i'm getting rather peeved with people who've promised that, then gone back on their word.


1. We used to spend every waking moment of every day texting, usually about nonsense, but the fact remained it was all day everyday.  We used to laugh at ourselves when we hung out, because we'd both keep checking our phones, because we're so used to having texts from each other, even though we were together!  We were so inseperable, i guess you could say we ousted the third member of our trio rather quickly... we were like brother and sister and even more, i could tell you anything, i trusted you explicitly, as you did me: when you were afraid to sleep, it was me that held you until you did, when i was on a downer, it was only you that could bring me up again.  But now... i barely get acknowledged when i see you, i have to visit your parents to find out how you are (you have no idea how much time i've spent worrying over you being so seriously ill) and now i'm hearing from people that i've been in your bad books in the last few months.  I don't know how true or exactly what's been said, but it stung me right to my soul.  I know you've got your new girlfriend, and your new set of friends, but it wasn't so long ago i was known as '----'s Anna', it wasn't so long ago we finished every text with 'love you x'.No one calls you by the name i know you as anymore.  Maybe that says something...

2. I may not remember exactly what was said, but our first conversation has always stuck in my mind: the fact i trusted you so instantly i was able to sit their holding your hand for goodness knows how long while you listened to me ramble.  You kind of bubbled into my life out of no where, exactly when i needed someone like you: yet i don't think it was one sided, as i was forever hearing at your parties 'Oh so you're Anna, ----'s told us about you!' The amount of time we've spent playing truth or truth and i have never are countless, the crazy, silly things we've done, we were like two puzzle pieces, it just worked.  I never told you i loved you back enough.  Now you're happy with her, and that makes me happy to my very core.  But i miss being able to message you at anytime and know you'll reply as soon as you can.  Seeing your present just sitting in my bedroom since February has totally eaten away at me.  I don't know if i know you anymore...

3. We met when i was so young, and you never really left my life after that.  Our little gang at yours... they were some of the best times, simply because no one had to act.  You were the closest thing to big brother i think i'm ever going to have: i knew you'd never let me down.  I ran out of my house at goodness knows what time just to se you when everything fell apart: my threat still has that person avoiding me at all costs.  I stodd up for you, as you did for me.  Now trying to get anything from you is more difficult than living without a heart or oxygen.  It's like you've forgotten everything...

4. It wasn't so long ago that you said if i was going to play cupid for you, i needed to shoot myself.  We've been there for each other through break ups and crazy nights.  My loyalty to you is fiercer than anything i know; i've defended you more times recently than i can count, simply because i've known you for so long.  We used to randomly chat about nothing, do random things like cake fights and bowling trips... Not anymore though.  I've tried, but i guess you've got newer, better friends.

5. This isn;t just one person, more of a group.  I know i'm partially to blame for this, i should've made more of an effort: but why didn't you guys? Some of you i've known for a long time, others not so much, but i've always done everything i can for you.  I miss having the girly moments with you all, and the mammoth bitching sessions, as well as the in depth heart to hearts.  I know i kinda pushed myself from the group, but now it feels like i'm the enemy.  I'm sorry i didn't have the money to come to see you guys as much as you wanted... wish i'd saved up a bit more often now.  I wish you'd just tell me straight if i've upset any of you, and what i can do to fix it.  I don't want to spend my last couple of months worried about what i could've done to upset people i'll still call my best friends...

One thing i've noticed, is i become surplus to requirements when people get in a relationship - so often the need for a 'girl best friend' disappears.  But for me, you weren't just my 'guy best friend', because i have a lot of those.  You were part of my family, part of making me exactly who i am today.  Maybe i should've tried harder, i can see when i should have, but we're all human.  I wish i could step inside my memories so i could hug you that little bit tighter, for a littler bit longer and make you promise one more time that you'll never leave me.  And now you've left, i'm just hoping you'll never forget me...

The Name Of The Wind

'Names are importanat as they tell you a great deal about a person.

I've had more names than anyone has a right to... 

I have stolen princesses back from sleeping barrow kings. 

I burned down the town of Trebon.

I have spent the night with Felurian and left with both my sanity and my life.

I was expelled from the University at a younger age than most people are allowed in.

I tread paths by moonlight that other fear to speak during the day.

I have talked to Gods, loved women , and written songs that make the minstrels weep.

You may have heard of me.'

Tattoos and a switchblade attitude, snakebite heart with a bubblegum smile...

People constantly question me as to why i insist on destroying my hair with bleach every summer.  Same way they question the way i dress, the way i act, even the way i talk.  This summers attack on my hair is more important than ever before.


Every person has something that identifies them.  That's obvious: everyone is unique, different sizes and shape, different faces, whatever.  But everyone has a way to identify themselves - something that reminds them of who they are.  The way i dress, the way i act, is my way of cementing, to myself, who i am, where i've come from and where i'm going.


Those who know me well, and i mean truly know me, will know that recently i have been through a fair bit.  And the one thing that has scared me about the last month or so, is how i've started to fade away, i've started to lose myself in everything, in anger, hate, tears and numbness.


Something as simple as painting my nails black helped me feel better.  Wearing some eyeliner instead of just llowing make up completely.  Retrieving my bracelets and my ring, helped make me feel more like me again.  I'm not all back yet though.  And that worries me somewhat.  What has been created in me in the last month?

This is why dying my hair this year is more important - it seems so superficial, but for me it isn't, it's my main way of expressing who i am.  Because as much as i loved my May Ball, getting all dressed up, looking at those pictures i don't see me, not completely.  I'm not redefined yet; not yet.

So cut my wrists and black my eyes...

Catharsis
- the purging of emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.

Cathartic relief comes in many forms - through artistic expression in painting, singing, music and performing, often manifesting itself in the variety of forms of 'self harm', from pinging elastic bands around your wrist to actual cutting.  Everyone discovers their own way of releasing these emotions, entirely unique to each person, some more 'healthy' than others.

I write down my thoughts and feelings, in their rawest, bluntest form, as they are for my eyes only.  The bottling up of my more extreme emotions causes me to get ill; so i try to avoid it as much as possible.

Now i have no release left, as i feel like no where is safe for my thoughts, except in my head.  And the last time i felt this ill, was when i had swine flu.  So now i'm hunting down new bands, to escape the overload of memories from all my favourite bands, as music is the best form of catharsis, because when words fail, music speaks.