Tattoos and a switchblade attitude, snakebite heart with a bubblegum smile...

People constantly question me as to why i insist on destroying my hair with bleach every summer.  Same way they question the way i dress, the way i act, even the way i talk.  This summers attack on my hair is more important than ever before.


Every person has something that identifies them.  That's obvious: everyone is unique, different sizes and shape, different faces, whatever.  But everyone has a way to identify themselves - something that reminds them of who they are.  The way i dress, the way i act, is my way of cementing, to myself, who i am, where i've come from and where i'm going.


Those who know me well, and i mean truly know me, will know that recently i have been through a fair bit.  And the one thing that has scared me about the last month or so, is how i've started to fade away, i've started to lose myself in everything, in anger, hate, tears and numbness.


Something as simple as painting my nails black helped me feel better.  Wearing some eyeliner instead of just llowing make up completely.  Retrieving my bracelets and my ring, helped make me feel more like me again.  I'm not all back yet though.  And that worries me somewhat.  What has been created in me in the last month?

This is why dying my hair this year is more important - it seems so superficial, but for me it isn't, it's my main way of expressing who i am.  Because as much as i loved my May Ball, getting all dressed up, looking at those pictures i don't see me, not completely.  I'm not redefined yet; not yet.

So cut my wrists and black my eyes...

Catharsis
- the purging of emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.

Cathartic relief comes in many forms - through artistic expression in painting, singing, music and performing, often manifesting itself in the variety of forms of 'self harm', from pinging elastic bands around your wrist to actual cutting.  Everyone discovers their own way of releasing these emotions, entirely unique to each person, some more 'healthy' than others.

I write down my thoughts and feelings, in their rawest, bluntest form, as they are for my eyes only.  The bottling up of my more extreme emotions causes me to get ill; so i try to avoid it as much as possible.

Now i have no release left, as i feel like no where is safe for my thoughts, except in my head.  And the last time i felt this ill, was when i had swine flu.  So now i'm hunting down new bands, to escape the overload of memories from all my favourite bands, as music is the best form of catharsis, because when words fail, music speaks.

I think we just want different things, i want space, you want a diamond ring...

Selfish
–adjective

1.

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives

 

Selfless

–adjective

having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

 

For someone who would rather see her friends happy and will selflessly give anything for that to happen, i'm the bad guy for doing one selfish thing.

Step one you say we need to talk...

The best thing about tonight is we're not fighting.   I always promised that i'd never sing of love if it does not exist. Now i'm broken by your smile; the time has come to fly again.  It's not enough, it's not enough, to give me everything i need.  Maybe there's beauty in goodbye, there's just no reason left to try.  You know i love you i really do, but i can't fight anymore for you.  I know it don't feel right that i'm leaving.  I'm not coming back, i've done something so terrible, i'm terrified to speak but you'd expect that from me, i'm mixed up i'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair, and out of my mind.

There are so many things i want to say to you: like i love you, i miss you and i hate life without you.  I'm screaming 'i love you so' but my thoughts you can't decode.  Do you know you're unlike any other, you'll always be my thunder.  You know i hate this song, because it was written for you. And i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but i want you to move on, so i'm already gone.

But what can you do with a girl like that?  She can captivate you with her eyes, but she'll never let you in.  Miss nothing; miss everything.  You tell me i'm a mess, you say that i'm a wreck; how could i expect anything less?

If this is how it has to be just promise you won't forget me; and i'll leave you with this lullaby.  And i'll tuck you in plant my lips where your necklaces close.

'You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming?  That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting.'

http://thappiness.tumblr.com/post/1242200277/i-do-believe-in-fairies-i-do-i-do-peterpan

I've got my mindset on you...

Mindgames.


Why, why would anyone actually want to try and mess with someones psych like that?


You get a guy, seems lovely but seemingly really low self esteem - they shower you with compliments, make you laugh, you do everything you can to stop them putting themselves down, try and build on their self-worth, just try and make them see that they're an amazing guy - who just so happens to think you're amazing too.


And your best friend.  And all your other friends.  And some other girls you know too.


What is wrong in you conniving head that makes you think its ok to do that?!
Especially if you do it when a girl, for example, is in the middle of a break up, or having trouble with her boyfriend or even if she's confided in you about trust issues from a previous relationship, do you stop to think how your actions might adversely affect them?


Or another type of mindgame: you know someone likes you, but you don't want a relationship; fair enough, you make it clear.  But then you don't start sleeping your way around their friendship group; especially not telling her about it! You don't get on her best friend IN FRONT OF HER!  Surely a single brain cell should be saying: i value this friendship, so i'll make sure i stay away from her friends like that, and keep it on the low until she's over me.  Actually think about someone else instead of staying wrapped up inside your own petty life.


And the other one that really grates on my nerves: just playing the victim for sympathy.  Naivety is no excuse for messing someone around, the same way past experiences aren't.  If you know something makes you behave in a certain way: BE HONEST ABOUT IT.  If you have trust issues, don't be a cunt and make the person trying to get close to you have them!  And most of all, don't try and work your way into their friendship group, so you'll always be there, cause it's not healthy.


Basically, a rant about the fall downs of the male sub-species.  Yes i'm a small person with a lot of anger.
Girls play mindgames too: but i don't.

Too Long In The Same Place.

'I remember when you told me, i should live like i'm dying,

not to close my eyes while everything burns...'

Sudden unexplained melancholy.  Uneasy feeling of betrayal.  Interesting.

There's a look in your eyes, and it's screaming goodbye...

Again, a blog post sparked by a conversation with a friend: bottling things up.
Uh oh, tricky subject, because, i don't let people in.
This could be difficult.

I think this tendency is a self taught one - when you're a young child, you tell everyone everything, you don't really have secrets, and if you do, they're generally known by your group of friends which consist of about 30 people.  But slowly your shown that people can't be trusted - they'll tell more people, use them to get at you or simply pick on you using these secrets as ammunition.  So you start thinking maybe you shouldn't tell people things.  You're also told that you're too innocent and naive - you don't know anything about life.  I think telling children this is a big mistake, because they are often more perceptive than given credit for.  Our society often doesn't listen to its children either: so why bother talking if no one's going to listen?  Now i'm not going to blame society or bad parenting for what is, essentially, a personal choice.  But it helps to understand why people may view bottling up their feelings as preferable to expressing them.

Another thing i've noticed, is it depends on what kind of friend you are, what kind of person you are.  Some people do like to tell people when they're down, where as others will go to extreme lengths to hide it.  Or thereare some, like me, who start to think about opening up, but when asked, i close up again.  Now i can only speak for myself but here's my reasoning behind it:

My friends are my world, and more often than not, at least one of them has something major going on in their lives.  Such is the nature of having a group of friends.  Now i don't want to add to the stress or drama by suddenly going 'That's all well and good but i want to tell you my feelings'.  So i hold off waiting for a calmer time, maybe sharing some more superficial troubles on the way.  But for me, things don't get calmer.  I think i've learnt to prefer it that way, because then i don't have to stop and take stock of things.  I bottle up my emotions so i can be a strong friend, a rock for people to rely on.

Some people may see it as a form of attention seeking, but i seriously don't like talking about me and my problems: yeah i'll ramble about altercations with the bf, or some girls who's getting on my tits.  But they don't really bother me.  It's just easier that way.