There are so many things i want to say to you...

I can't stop thinking of your bright blue eyes - the amount of times i lost myself in them only to realise you were staring at me - felt so embarrassed... But you were looking back and that's all that mattered to me.

The fact i cannot get you off my mind - contantly checking my phone for texts, thinking of an excuse to text you, searching for your name on facebook chat, looking for a status you post, listening to every song that reminds me of you, it's like you're inside my mind, in my dreams all i hear is your heartbeat next to mine, the touch of your hand is what i reach for every time i wake up.  First thing i think of in the morning, last thing at night, and every moment in between.

Re-reading old conversations - the heartbreaking arguments and the smile inducing sweet as honey moments.  The fact i feel sick about someone else being inside your arms; the last place i felt safe.

I've done many things that i'm not proud of - hurt you, i think, in some small way but then, i don't think i mean anything like as much to you as you do to me.

I get paranoid, i get jealous - emotions i've always ignored or never really had since the first time i fell in love - emotionally reticent as always, but you dragged them too the surface, demanding i open up to you, to someone, ANYONE.  I wish i had, but all that came out was pain and anger as well as badly explained reactions to tiny things.

Now i'm so far away and i can't bare the idea that you might forget me, forget what we had... Though what we had never really got going.

I just need to get this out, all these things i'll never be able to say to you - if i try to get it out i just seem to, i don't know, annoy you somehow...

I don't want to give up, but it feels so one-sided...

(8) But always know that you shine brighter, than anyone does...

This anniversary will never be the same...

'I promised myself i wouldn't do it, yet here i find myself, hair scraped back about to get ready for a night out, writing my thoughts down for the lonely internet to read.
You don't even check this i bet, so i'm prettty safe.

1 whole year. Time has gone so fast!
A whole year in the blink of an eye, changes of head, heart, subconcious...
Because things i have changed in me. All because of you :)
I don't know what i was expecting! A heartfelt phonecall, or 10 page text, or fb mail?
Why did i even think... keep myself awake last night, with this hope.
It's safe to say we've both moved on, in that we've had other relationships, felt the emotions again...
Well you maybe. I haven't.
I've been missing you more than ever, dreaming about you every night.
We met at the bottom of a mosh pit. A collision course.
Or a stroke of luck.
And now you hate me. Fair play to you on that.

In essence; i remembered.
I was always going to remember. This night changed my life.
So thank you. Truly, madly, deeply, thank you.
I love you.

And i'll see myself sitting up till half 12 tonight waiting. Just in case.'

Last year I wrote that on a blog so full of painful memories I can barely stand to read it.
Yet here we are, back at the same time of year.
11 days time.
Again, i'm unsure of what to do, to say, to think...

I can't believe the thing that caused us to fall apart, is the same thing that has me sitting in this room right now, so far away from you i'd have to be on the moon to get any further away. We fell apart because I was never fully there. I understand now.

I don't think you ever loved me as much as I loved you. I prefer it that way, if i'm honest.

I wonder if anniveraries like this actually mean the same thing to boys, or whether it's different.

And i feel like nothing can save me.

Wow, 8 days till my life truly starts and i'm crying into my packing.

I wasn't supposed to get broken again.

Always know that you shine brighter, than anyone does...

The reformation of my work choir over the last couple of days (featuring my twin and myself on vocals) re-ignited my passion for Paramore and Hey Monday, so am i once again lost in a world of words. This i like.

'I'm not running away; this time i'm walking away with enough time for you to call me back. But this time, once i'm gone, i'm never coming home. 11 Days, and it can't come soon enough.'

Like every Hey Monday song, this status of mine isn't just meant for one person, in one way... My disappearance can't come soon enough in most respects but in a couple of others is coming too fast.

Positives first: in the past month or so, i have made SO many new friends and i don't want to leave them all behind before we've barely got started!

I now have a best friend i can talk too and she is more precious to me than i think she realises; she may be mini-me, but i'll give everything away to stop the pain she's in right now and any pain she might live through, if she turns out anything like me. 

Also, two of the best days this summer have been spent in the park, eating far too much sugar and quoting far to many Disney films - tbh i'd rather have spent the weekend with that group than have gone to Reading!

I've refound my closeness with my twin; well more appropriately the other half of my world.  We hadn't seen each other much due to stupid work scheduling (WILL NOT START A RANT) but these last few days have seemed like that missing puzzle piece is back and i've decided he's not going anywhere :)

Negatives: i feel there are far to many things happening that i need to get away from.

1.Your lack of anything in return is starting to get to me; you're kinda all words but kinda not at the same time and i don't know what to make of it. I don't know what to make of last night; tbh i've never been sure with you.  I know what we agreed but things have gone too far now... I don't want to lose that feeling of absolute safety.

2. You always accused me of running away from my problems; problems that now can't be dealt with because i am forced to ask your sister if you even exist on this planet anymore.  We have a habit of saying things we didn't mean.  We both said unforgiveable things.  You've got so far away, i don't think i could hear you calling me back.  11 days.  I'm wondering how many people you've fucked and how deep you're trailing my name through the mud.  The first one's none of my business, and the second doesn't affect me, as i won't be here.

3. You just never listen, do you? I'm supposed to be your best friend, not your put-back-together-then-fuck-off-er.

I wish you were here.

Now she's got a boyfriend and i've got a rockband...

I miss band practice - truly being a part of music, creating it, making it my own. Dug out some old lyrics: Solar Powered Happiness right?

[Untitled]

My name's bittersweet on your lips
Lingering there from the departing kiss
Photos and memories are left of the past
How were we to know this wouldn't last?

As my heart sinks down in my chest
I know this is for the best
But what i've done is oh so wrong...

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.

I can only say sorry so many times
Before we get tired of the same old lines,
You lost your temper so i shut you out
Why keep trying when all we do is shout?

As my heart sinks down in my chest
Please don't think i jest
Cause what i've done is oh so wrong...

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.

Thanks for the inspiration
For a final song to say goodbye
And when i said forever
I never meant it to be a lie..

Did you expect a hollywood ending,
To find a princess worth defending?
I'm no fairytale, try a nightmare,
In jet black jeans with midnight hair.
We stepped into every pit fall
I knew this would be our downfall.
I knew this would be our downfall...


Not perfect; but i think these are some of the best words i've written. (:

The longer that i live with this idea, the more i sink in...

I've thrown up every defence mechanism i have within in the last 48 hours because of some of the stuff that has been said - i can't get them down.

It's like my minds thrown up a bubble; i can see and feel everything but its like numbed a bit.

Everythings filtering through slower than normal, but it doesn't stop that irrational part of my brain going: 'They were right, you're not wanted for anything other than physical gratification.'

 

*Self Destruct Button Needed*

Tonight you'll cry yourself to sleep...

In sleep we cannot lie - our dreams our the total of our subconcious and all that we have seen.
I sleep talk - i tell nothing but the truth.

But right now, i miss having someone real and tangible here; i miss 'cuddles'. Not hugs, not sex, not foreplay, proper cuddles.

But everyone i know is taken, or seeing someone.  I wish someone could be there for me like i've always been there for them.

I guess Charmander and Yoshi will have to do for now...